The best turtle is the Mary river turtle. It’s the only animal that grows algae as hair.
The second best turtle is the northern snake-necked turtle. It has a long neck and its eyes are those of a staring contest gone far too long.
The third best turtle is Leonardo: the leader of the teenage mutant ninja turtles and, more importantly, the one with the blue bandana.
The fourth best turtle is the Capybara. While the capybara is technically a rodent, it shares much with the turtle in the fact that it is cute. I didn’t know about the capybara until I went to the San Francisco zoo in 2020. Every animal had a plaque describing what it was, what it did. The capybara was special. Its card said: “The capybara is prey to,” and then went on to list every animal larger than an undersized pigeon. I love the capybara because someone has to. The capybara is not just food, it is also a friend.
Friend to all things — 7 of clubs of all trades.